PERSONAL FIELD JOURNAL, JUNIOR FIELD RESEARCHER #1.987
GALACTIC SURVEY FLEET
PLANET AND SPECIES NAME (NATIVE): EARTH, HUMAN
SPECIES CLASSIFICATION: FULL OF HOLIDAY CHEER
While the galactic research council quibbles over the subtleties of this human celebration, I have made an incredible breakthrough!
(An epiphany! It’s as though my inner and outer eyelids have been opened for the first time!)
For the past day, I have been listening to a single human radio transmission over and over, letting its subtleties osmose into my forebrain.
This transmission explains everything: the relationship between Santa and Christ, the celebratory nature of Christmas, and even provides great insight into the intricate and even beautiful nature of human religion.
The transmission is titled “Santa Baby”.
Even the title links the two great gods of human worship: the omniscient sky-god Santa (who sees you when you’re sleeping, and knows if you’ve been bad or good), and the mysterious figure Christ (also known as Jesus, and often referred to as a “baby” or “babe”).
It also reveals much about how humans celebrate their religion. Note for example:
Slip a sable under the tree for me
…a ’54 convertible too, light blue
I want a yacht and really that’s not a lot
Human society is clearly such that even the simple and kind act of giving must be invited. (I find this astounding. Truly, humans must be the kindest and most charitable species in this quadrant!)
Been an awful good girl, Santa Baby
So hurry down the chimney tonight.
Again, this is an affirmation of living within the bounds of proper behavior as prescribed by Santa Baby. The fact that this Santa Baby — whom I now understand to be a sort of di-une, or two gods in one — is invited to enter the home through the chimney suggests that Santa Baby is a sky-god.
When I first heard this Earth broadcast, my tentacles twinged in delight: this single transmission explains everything about the human species and its Christmas. Obviously, the humans are an incredibly deep, religious people with a beautiful culture dedicated to selfless giving. Rarely does a junior researcher stumble upon such a find!
I see little need to continue our hidden studies: I recommend to the galactic research council that we immediately make first contact with Earth, and welcome them into galactic society with tentacles spread wide!