Field Journal – Blue Christmas


PERSONAL FIELD JOURNAL, JUNIOR FIELD RESEARCHER #1.987
GALACTIC SURVEY FLEET
PLANET AND SPECIES NAME (NATIVE): EARTH, HUMAN
SPECIES CLASSIFICATION: NON-KOSHER

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Many questions have arisen about the nature of the season that humans call “Christmas”. Based on my previous research entry and notes, the galactic research council is convinced that Christmas is the time when humans worship the great red god named Santa, as well as the lesser rain-god named Rudolph.

However, many (including myself) wonder whether Christmas is a time of jubilant celebration, solemn reverence, or even fearful and panicked human sacrifice. After a full day of analysis, I posit that Christmas for humans is a time of depression bordering on total despair.


To reach this conclusion, I programmed the translator-brain to search human radio transmissions, correlating Christmas-related keywords with various human emotions.

During the time period of the search, these transmissions were detected, correlating with negative emotions of wistfulness, sadness, loneliness, longing, depression, and despair.

The following transmissions express depression over the departure of a mate during the Christmas season. (The frequency of such transmissions suggests that Christmas is not a mating season as some originally thought, but rather a time when mated pairs of humans separate.)

  • “Please Come Home for Christmas”
  • “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)”
  • “Blue Christmas” (Note: “blue” is a color in the human visual spectrum linked to sadness.)
  • “Same Old Lang Syne”

The following transmissions express various other negative emotions. (These are ordered alphabetically according to the galactic standard alphabet.)

  • “Christmas Shoes”
  • “Wrapped in Red”
  • “Pretty Paper”
  • “If We Make it Through December”
  • “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”

(The translation-brain has become quite adept at translating human transmissions for emotional content. After reviewing some of these broadcasts, I found all three of my beaks quivering in anguish.)

Christmas-related transmissions exist expressing positive emotions as well. However, even some of these seem to be insincere, with the translator-brain scoring transmissions such as “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” quite highly on the Logarithmic Sarcasm Scale.

While this does not fully answer the question as to the nature of Christmas, it does suggest that the observance of Christmas is a lonely and depressed affair for humans. Further study will be needed to verify this hypothesis.

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